Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
