Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
