My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
