Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
