So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm like, not good at living.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
