Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
