Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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