After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
