im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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