I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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