i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
