I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
