No period for spring break; use this wisely.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
