well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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