Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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