in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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