the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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