So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
