Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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