2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
