the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
