if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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