There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
