i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Sorry about my life...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
