Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I can't put those talents on a resume
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
