remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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