can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
