I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
