There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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