I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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