I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
