i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
