PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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