The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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