I feel great
I just peed on a car
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
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