Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
