U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
