is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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