Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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