So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
