I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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