Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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