Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
