Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
