Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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