dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
