Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
