My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
