these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
