I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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