Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
