i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
