Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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