can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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